


I know the way I wanna be, but I’m trapped in who I am.

by transgendergerard



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Brendon doesn't care about his sexuality, F/M, Gender Dysphoria, Gender or Sex Swap, M/M, Ryan has a mid-life crises at 17, bisexual Ryan Ross, but Brendon makes it better, but she doesnt know it yet poor honey, everything is Confusing, girl! Ryan Ross, he just loves Ryan lol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-12-05 05:03:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11570898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transgendergerard/pseuds/transgendergerard
Summary: Ryan Ross is a girl, but how come she's been feeling like a boy lately? She has a wonderful boyfriend, but she doesn't want to be him really. She just wants to look like him, or at least wants to look like a boy,  but she's way too scared to tell anyone what she really feels. Good thing her boyfriend Brendon is understanding.





	1. All her doubts were someone else's point of view.

**Author's Note:**

> hey, guys! Another Ryan and Brendon fic? Yeah... fight me okay? anyways this is my first time switching a character's gender. So hopefully I did everything right, but if not that please tell me things I need to change in the fic to make it better! 
> 
> the title of this fic is lyrics from the song Attention by We Are The In Crowd. 
> 
> the title of this chapter is lyrics from the song She by Green Day. 
> 
> You can follow me on tumblr: www.wayswift.tumblr.com

Ry felt small. She felt tiny and like she had no place in the world. Even though she’s been the guitarist of her band for 3 years and they recently got signed to PETE WENTZ’s label and they just put out their first album and they’re on their first tour. Ry still felt like she was alone and like she didn’t fit in. She felt like she was in middle school again. It was a hotel night in the middle of the southeast part of America and they’re in Memphis. They played in a small theater tonight and it was so far her favorite show they’ve played. Yet, despite feeling so great a few hours ago, Ry feels like she could die right now and it would be the best thing to happen to her. 

She’s on the bed that’s closeted to the big window that’s overlooking the quiet parking lot and has her back to the small part of the wall that’s next to the window. She had thrown her pillows to the floor in frustration not too long ago and made herself as small as possible. She has her legs curled up where she can hide her face in them and generally looking like she’s on the verge of a panic attack.She starts to cry. 

She hates her body. She hates her body. She hates her body. She hates her body. She hates... 

She has always hated her body of course because of all the health issues she has gone through and all the scars from surgeries she has had. But she’s mostly okay with all of that now, except for when she and Brendon get intimate and she has to take her clothes off. They’ve been dating for a few years and they haven’t really shown much skin before. She has seen all of Brendon of course cause he’s careless and doesn’t care who sees him, but she does. She realized that tonight she’s hating her body, not because of her health stuff, but because it’s her body 

It’s her body. It’s her. It’s the fact that she’s a she and that she actually feels like it would be really nice to be a guy. At least to look like a guy. That sounds so weird, but all she wants is be able to wear clothes like Brendon does and look a little more masculine and not sound and look so much like a baby. All this thinking has gotten to her and now there are tears running down her face and sobs coming out of her mouth. 

All of a sudden she hears the door opening and then close. 

It’s Brendon, she thinks. How can she explain her thoughts to her boyfriend?Brendon is currently just in swim trunks cause everyone on the tour just went out for a night swim when she decided to stay in. She didn’t have to tell Brendon why cause he understood her reasons. Brendon looks the door and turns to face the two beds. When he looks to Ry’s bed he sees her curled into her self. She’s been crying. Why? 

“Ry? What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” Brendon asked in a gentle and calming voice. He knows not only how to work his voice as a singer, but in ways that won’t freak his girlfriend out when she gets like this. Ry lefts her head up from her lap. It’s cover from tears. 

Brendon wishes he came back sooner than now. He’s made his way to Ry’s bed and is sitting next to Ry, but not touching her. 

“You played so well tonight and you were having such a good time, what brought this up?” Brendon said while playing with her boy short hair. 

“I… I don’t like my body. It’s too small and too female and it doesn’t have enough male features and my voice isn’t as deep as I want it and my face is too much of a baby face… and… I just want to look like a guy. Like… I know there’s something wrong with me but I’m not exactly sure what. Cause I feel female, but I don’t wanna look female you know? I just want to look like a guy like you, Spencer, and Jon. But I don’t and I hate it!” She raised her voice her. She’s angry and upset now.

Brendon touches her hand. Like he’s asking her to let her touch her anywhere else. She nods and he moves them where she’s in his lap and she has her face hidden in his shoulder. Safe from the rest of the world. 

All she can feel now is Brendon. Brendon Brendon Brendon. 

She calms down a little and is able to think properly a little. 

“Ry… Ry. My Ry! What you’re feeling is completely valid. You’re valid. You’re a girl, but you want to look more like a guy? We can do that. I’m okay with whatever makes you happy. Do you know that gender expression and gender identity are different things? You can look like a boy all you want, or you can look like a girl all you want. It’s up to you. I love you for you. You’re not a burden to me nor to the band, and I know you feel that way even though you don’t tell us that. I love you, Ry. Okay? You deserve the world.” 

Ry smiles at that. She feels funny. Good funny. Like when you kiss someone for the first time and not like earlier when she doesn’t belong in her own body. She snuggles into Brendon as much as she can. Feeling safe. His arms are around her waist and his hands are on her hips. Fingers moving up to her tummy and move around the skin there cause he knows that’s her tickle spot. She can’t help but smile when he does that. It’s quiet for a moment before she speaks again.

“Hey… Brendon. Do you think once tour is over we could uh… go shopping for guys clothes for me? Cause you know… I’ve never done it before and I want to like idk get enough for a week and test it out?” She feels so stupid asking for this. 

“Hmmm.. yes we can do that. Honestly, to tell the truth, we’d probably have to bring Spencer along cause he knows more about clothes that I do, but we can make that work. I’m so proud of you for allowing yourself small happiness like this you know?” He kisses the skin that’s in between her neck and shoulder. 

“Yeah… yeah, I know.” She laughs.

She’s fine now. She still doesn’t feel okay. She’ll never will, but with Brendon by her side she’ll able to feel more than just small amounts of happiness like allowing yourself the things you want. 

“Hey… b? Can we uh go to bed now??? I’m really tired and I want to tell Spencer all of this tomorrow on the bus and I kinda need sleep to do that in a way where I’m not in tears.” 

“Yeah sure love we can sleep. I’m sure Zack would be banging on our door sooner than later.” Brendon says while removing Ry from his lap so he can stand up. 

Brendon picks up the pillows that got attacked by Ry’s meltdown and puts them back on the bed and pulls the covers up. Ry gets to sleep near the window and Brendon sleeps on the side with the night stand. Ry gets in bed first so that way she can hide herself in Brendon’s side. The light gets turned off and they sleep.


	2. And I wouldn't be caught dead in this place.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ry shops for boy clothes for the first time with a little help with her friends. And not Brendon because Brendon never helps. He just causes trouble. That's why Zack's with them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, everyone! Here is chapter two of my girl!Ryan fic. It may end up turning into trans Ryan in the future, but I'm not sure yet. The song title is of course from Panic!'s song But It's Better If You Do. I think you all know what album that song is from :) 
> 
> find me on tumblr: www.wayswift.tumblr.com

Ry is excited, yet also nervous. More excited than nervous which is surprising she thought to herself. They’re finally off tour and they’re going to the mall to get her boy clothes. Brendon is coming with her of course, and Spencer too. Cause besides the fact that they’ve been best friends since they were kids he’s the only person in the band who has some fashion sense. And Zack is with them too cause if Brendon Urie is going to be in public with other people Zack has to be right beside them. 

 

They can’t control that. Ry has done her best to research clothing for men but it was all too confusing to her so she just looked at some online websites of shops and decided where she wanted to go to once they made it to the mall. Their first spot is H&m since they actually have extra small for guys. She was walking towards the girl's section when Brendon had to remind her what they’re here for. 

“Hey Hey Ry! We are going this way remember? To the guy's sections?” Brendon said facing her direction.

 

“Oh yeah right sorry just out of habit I guess,” she says as she walks back to Brendon and holds his hand cause clearly if she didn’t she would get lost. 

“So… what do you want to look at first?” Spencer asks. 

“Oh uh… idk probably boxers and stuff like that? Since that and pants sound the hardest to find the right size for me.” 

“Yeah sounds like a good idea” Spencer replied. 

Brendon speaks up “are you sure you’re a boxer person? Are you against briefs cause they're comfy as hell!”

“Well I could be I don’t know it yet, Bren. They do make a hybrid you know.” “

And I also did my research…” Spencer interrupted them. 

“And they do make some type of boxers that are for girls if you want to test that out first and not go all the way out first.” 

“Hmmm thanks for telling me.” Ry replies. 

Her and Brendon make their way to the section with underclothes and sees the selection she has for boxer-briefs. Ry picked up a pair to see if they were the right size while Brendon made himself comfortable behind her and hid his head behind her neck and kissed her shoulder and put his arms around her waist.

“I would love to fuck you while you wore those. Just saying” Brendon whispered in her ear.

“B! Don’t say that while we’re in public or while we’re near other people ever.” Ry hides her face in the pair that's in her hands. See, they couldn't Brendon anywhere. 

“What? I’m just giving an option…” Brendon said with a smirk on his face. 

“yeah well, one you need to keep to yourself.” Ry trying to say while she tries to keep the smile off her face. 

“You’re not fun,” Brendon replied. 

Ry didn’t listen to him. Instead She picked a couple pairs of boxer-briefs and then a few pairs of boxers. To have options she tells herself. 

“Now… to the pants which I’m not looking forward too.” Ry sighs. 

They made it to the big rack of pants. Spencer comes out of nowhere and says “I’m only allowing you to get two pairs of skinny jeans, cause I know you too well.” “

Way to be a supportive best friend.” Ry said, sighing. “I try my best,” Spencer replied sarcastically.   
She did end up getting just two pairs of skinny jeans and then mainly dark colored jeans. And some nice dress pants just in case. Now to the fun part, getting new shirts! Brendon says Rys weird collection is her collection of shirts. They’re her favorite thing to buy. 

“I’m glad you didn’t pick a place with a lot of band shirts cause then I’d have to go all Zack on you and make sure you don’t have to buy all of them,” Brendon says. “

Ha we’ll be glad that hot topic has an online store,” Ry says laughing. 

She gets an electric ray of shirts. A few polos, a few multiple colored with pockets, and some really fancy ones for when they play. 

“Are we done now?” Brendon asks. Clearly tired. He placed his head on top of her shoulder. 

“Yeah, I think we are. Don’t worry Zack will take care of all of this” meaning he’s going to handle all the buying stuff." Ry replied. 

Brendon takes Ry’s hand and moves them to a corner of the store so they’re totally alone. 

“Brendon… what are you doing?” 

Brendon has Ry up against a wall. His hands holding hers and his head resting on her shoulder. 

“I’m so proud of you. I know I’ve said that already, but I am. You’re so inspiring and brave and beautiful. I’m so glad to call you my girlfriend.”

“Oh uh… thank you, I guess?” Ry replied. She didn't know what to say back when Brendon is like this, so she lets him kiss her, which she can clearly see that's what he wants to do. 

Brendon was kissing her neck when Spencer walks into them.

“Guys! This is why Zack has to come with us! Brendon, we’re about to go can’t you wait until we get home!?” 

“Ha sure… I guess.” Brendon laughs when he removes his head from Ry's shoulder and grabs her hand. 

Brendon seeks one more kiss on to Ry’s lips and they leave.


End file.
